Next Chapter

Last year I kept saying to myself that the first chapter in my life has ended and the next one is beginning. That the pain and trauma I suffered in the past would no longer have such a strong hold over my life. It turns out that I was completely right!

I finally love myself. That’s a large part of why this new chapter of my life is so different from the last. I remember 20 years ago I acknowledged that I didn’t love myself and I was going to do whatever I needed to do, to change that. It took 20 years!! But I achieved my goal. 11 years of therapy later I’m doing so well. Even with the therapy, I never dreamed I would have seen the level of healing that I have received even if I had had a lifetime of therapy.

In the Summer of 2017 God healed my heart in a very profound way. I don’t know how to explain it other than to say that. He also answered some very important questions I had.

I always asked God why I’d had certain experiences. Why I had to go through certain things. Childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, mental illness and a physical disability. I would ask God, usually out of frustration, why I had to go through all of these things. God revealed many things about that to me that summer. There was so much that I can’t list everything here.. but I will mention some. He told me that the reason that I had to go through those things, is so that I can achieve my purpose. All of those experiences gave me the level of compassion that I need to help and serve God’s people. In me God has planted a seed.. a burning desire in me to help people and this compassion is crucial to my destiny. Those experiences have led me to develop a level of patience and a desire to understand people so that I can help them. I’m really able to relate to people. Even if they haven’t experienced the same kind of pain as me, I can really relate to them. I also believe He also told me I will really be a voice for people who have been through the same things as I have.

In the past I was so closed down and never spoke to anyone about my pain or experiences. I even closed myself off from facing them. Over those 20 years, after I acknowledged that I didn’t love myself, I journaled a lot, wrote poetry and learned to talk about my pain. I learned how to connect with the pain and articulate it. I had a safe place to discuss it with my therapist. Now I feel completely comfortable talking about my life when I do public speaking and it has been transformative for many.

Because I’ve been comfortable talking about it and sharing poetry with people, some people in my life have disclosed to me that they’ve had similar experiences. Some of them had never disclosed it to a single soul. In telling me there was this sense of peace. Like they no longer had to carry this heavy load alone. If I hadn’t done my own healing work, maybe they would have never had that kind of peace.

So, would I want to go through it again? No. But at the same time I wouldn’t change it. All of my experiences, positive and negative, have made me into the compassionate, passionate woman that I am. I feel so driven to help people and I’m finally understanding how my pain and trauma is going to help me do that.

Have a lovely week.

Many blessings,

Mai

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Transformational Life Coach!

Well after making reference to it a few times, I’ve decided to tell you what I was referring to in Opportunity of a Lifetime and On the Path to Greatness. I’m currently enrolled in a program to become a Transformational Life Coach!

Now for a bit of the  backstory. I’ve been toying with the idea for over 20 years. That’s when I first heard the term “life coach.” I didn’t know the ins and outs of what they did but the thought of it really appealed to me. For some reason I had it in my mind that my life had to be perfect in order for me to become one. I decided that I had to be at least 50 years old, because I wanted to have a certain level of maturity, and I had to be married with kids when I started. No one told me that this was necessary, but this is what I’d convinced myself in my own mind.

Fast forward, a to a few years ago. One of my good friends told me that one of her friends was studying to be a “transformational life coach” and that I should consider it because she thought I’d be good at it. I’d never heard the term with the word “transformational” on the front, but I was very intrigued. Again I brushed it off because of the rigid criteria I had set for myself. I thought I had to be married with children, and at least the age of 50.

Fast forward to 1 week ago. I was on a website and saw an add for a transformational life coaching program. At first, I kept scrolling past but something inside of me said “Mai, you’d better check it out.” So I did and the rest, as they say, is history! I loved everything I heard about the program! They connect you with mentors who have already established coaching businesses that have made multiple 6 figure incomes. They help you set up a  successful business structure including a website and a proven way of how to attract clients. I love the fact that in my call where they assessed whether I was a good fit for the program, they focused on things like whether or not I had a burning desire to help people… what my vision was for my life… if I wanted to change the world!! How beautiful is that?! The woman I spoke to really reminded me of a very close friend of mine. Everything just felt so familiar. She was warm and had such positive enthusiasm and energy. It was so infectious. She was so supportive and even though I had said no, at first, she still gave me some tips on how I could achieve some of the goals I’d outline for my life.

That whole weekend I couldn’t think of anything else. I researched the company and it’s founder. I checked it’s standing on the Better Business Bureau and read countless reviews. I watched many videos on youtube by the founder. Everything was so on point. I had this strong feeling in my heart and spirit that I had to do this now. Initially I said I would do it, but not until 2020. But my heart would not quit… I had to do it now! And so I did.

I’ve started doing the online lessons in the program. Usually I have difficulty with reading, focusing and concentration as they are side effects from my medication. But ever since I learned about this program, I’ve been able to focus like never before!

What I love about the program so far is, it’s a road map for me to achieve the life that I want on a number of different levels. A lot of the techniques and tools are extensions of things that I’ve already been applying in my life. Even suggestions on how to deal with the negative thoughts I experience from my anxiety.

I’m super excited about what the future holds for me. Even though my current job is not the perfect situation.. now that I’ve taken this step toward my future, it just makes it so much more bearable. Now everyday I’m taking conscious steps toward my future… no matter how small. Eventually all the small steps will turn into the big picture I’m aiming for. My dream will become reality!

Have a lovely weekend.

Many blessings,

Mai

On the Path to Greatness

Well everything has changed since I wrote Opportunity of a Lifetime. I felt like my heart was beating out of my chest, and with each beat it was saying “the time is now.” This opportunity really resonated with my spirit and I just couldn’t think about anything else.

I decided to take the plunge.. to move outside of my comfort zone, and seize the opportunity, because that’s where real success lies. I embarked upon the opportunity. Since then everything has just being coming together in my life. So much synchronicity. I just have this deepened sense of clarity that I’ve never known before. So many things that happened in my life before this point finally makes sense.

I have an amazing, skilled and accomplished team that will be supporting me along the way. I have mentors that have already accomplished what I plan to achieve. They will show me ropes. I will have access to a proven system that practically guarantees success. Incredible! Once I launch everything I’ll fill you in on what it is.

God is so amazing and his timing is perfect. When I heard about this career path around 20 years ago, the timing was definitely wrong. My friend mentioned to me that I should consider it a few years ago but it seemed unattainable and I thought everything in my life needed to be perfect before I started. I’ve learned that there is never a time when everything in one’s life is perfect.. You just have to work with what you have sometimes.. go with it.

Even though I’m in the beginning stages I have this sense of fulfillment that I’ve never know. The trajectory of my passion and my career have finally intersected.. This is the stuff that destiniess are made of!

Have a blessed weekend!

Mai

Opportunity of a Lifetime

I’m so torn right now. On the one hand I feel positive, hopeful, joyful, excited. I found the most amazing business opportunity that is the answer to many very specific prayers that I’ve made over my lifetime. On the other hand, I feel a little disappointed because the timing of this opportunity is not right.

My current job, in mental health, is very rewarding. I have an amazing manager who believes in me and is so supportive not to mention hilarious. He encourages me and really listens and tries to understand when I’m having challenges with my mental health. I have an amazing team made up of some really wonderful people that are extremely passionate about helping the clients that we serve. The benefits are good. Vacation is good. We have access to a lot of sick days. I believe in what the agency stands for. The problem.. The team I’m on, the way it’s structured, is very stressful. I feel so drained most of the time and have very little left to give at the end of the day. It’s very difficult to find the energy to work on projects, take a course, start a business, maintain a social life and strengthen relationships with family and friends, with the amount of stress from this position. Some of my married coworkers say they’re so drained at the end of the day that they don’t have the energy to play with their children or engage with their spouses. Maybe that’s ok with them but that’s completely unacceptable for me. The job is slowly, and literally, making me sick and tired. I’ve been battling depression and anxiety for a long time with this position. Initially I referred to it as “burnout” but was later told it’s depression and anxiety.

I learned of an amazing business certification program that not only will teach me a very valuable skill, but it will teach me how to successfully structure my business. Initially I thought the cost of the program would be what would deter me. The more I thought about it I realized that the timing was really the issue. Having my current job, planning a wedding and trying to do this business at the same time is just a recipe for disaster. I’ve tried to take on too much in the past and failed miserably!

So yes a program and certification program so perfectly suited for me is likely one that will only come around once in a lifetime. It encourages many of the values that I find important and hold dear. It will allow me to do the work I’m passionate about.. helping people. It will help build on what I already know. It has a proven track record. It has skilled and successful people that will mentor me. People that have already done what I am striving to achieve. People that can take me by the hand and lead the way. A system that could potentially be the mechanism for change I need to transform my life and lead me to financial and spiritual freedom.

I had to say no for right now because I really need to create more balance in my life.. especially work-life balance. I really need to get a job on a different team that has a different model. One that will foster more independence for me. One that will give me more autonomy and control over my work day. A team where I can have lengthier and more meaningful visits with clients. Where I can really get to know them, build more rapport and get a true sense of who they are and what their needs are.. so I can be more effective in helping them. Seems rather obvious no?

In the meantime what am I going to do to achieve my goals? Everyday I’m going to envision myself living the life I want. I’m very good at visualization.. Have been ever since I was a child. I have 2 vision boards and I will look at them daily. I have written a statement that I will read out loud everyday, twice a day, so that hopefully it will also filter into my subconscious.

Im bound and determined! Once I put my mind to something there’s no stopping me. So my saying no to it right now is not the end of my dream, it’s simply delayed. I’ve learned from another major thing in my life that sometimes a delay in something I really want, can end up so much sweeter in the end. When I mentioned what I would do to achieve my goals I probably should have started with prayer 🙂 God is at the centre of my life but I probably shouldn’t have assumed that you knew I would do that.

Have a wonderful week. Try to make positive change in the world people!

Many blessings,

Mai

No Longer a Stranger to Myself

Well it’s been rough in some ways for the last year. Struggling with anxiety and depression without realizing that’s what it was. I just kept referring to it as “burnout”.. work related stress that I felt I had no control over. This episode was different than the others.

Went on a new medication that worked wonders! That, and I had some people praying for me. I finally recognize myself again! I’d become a stranger to myself. I was negative, had no hope, drained, exhausted, numb. I had a lot of emotional pain but was unable to cry. Even simple tasks took a Herculean effort to complete. I had a significant decrease in my level of focus and concentration. I was just overwhelmed by life.

Thank God I’ve made it to the other side. Everything is temporary. Now I have so much hope! My connection with God is much stronger. I can hear him again. I’m back on my path. I know this, because there is so much synchronicity taking place in my life. I have a burning desire for my life’s purpose. I have renewed confidence, clarity and this sense of peace that I’ve never felt before.. Peace and joy. I am so grateful for my life and everything that God has allowed me to do. I am so incredibly blessed and highly favoured. I’m understanding this on a much deeper level now.

Each day I wake up excited to see what will unfold.. what wisdom I will receive.

Have a wonderful week!

Many Blessings,

Mai

How this Easter has a deeper meaning

This Easter has a much deeper meaning for me this year. I have a much deeper relationship with Jesus now. This is the first time God has been THE central part of my life. After really accepting Him in my life, submitting my heart to Him, making a consistent commitment to talk with and praying to Him daily, read His word, not making any decisions without Him, my life has changed dramatically.

I had trauma issues and PTSD and God completely healed my heart and my mind. No more nightmares, depression, flashbacks or intrusive thoughts/memories. No more anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, hurt, pain, torment, shame, guilt or self-blame. He cleared out all the junk that I had tried so long and hard to get rid of. What 11 years of therapy couldn’t do, God changed in an instant.. with one touch.

Now I feel like I’m living in the freedom that God intended for me. I have this joy in my heart that I never had before. I was happy at times, but never this joy. He has given me some phenomenal experiences and an amazing relationship. He has set up some wonderful opportunities for me this year and I am so grateful, humbled and excited.

So on this days when I really think about the way Jesus suffered so that I could be free!! I just think, he died for me, so I’m choosing to live for Him! Praise God.

He is risen.

Mai

An Interesting Experience in the Psychiatric Ward

During my last 3 week stay in the inpatient mental health ward, I had a very interesting experience.  It was terrifying in the beginning and heart warming by the end.  I was terrified and then I laughed hysterically. And no that wasn’t a part of my mood disorder 🙂

I was walking with my cane at the time, when I came across another patient. A Jamaican woman in her 60s, Miss P.  She was a calm and helpful person from what I’d seen but my cane seemed to trigger her.  I won’t write everything that she said because some of it was foul, but the gist was “move your **** from me! Nuh come back here or I will take your blood**** cane and smash you head in, and splatter your brain pon di blood**** walls.”

I was like what the heck? People usually like me!  I couldn’t understand why this woman had such a strong hatred for me and we’d never met.  I told the staff because I was convinced I would be murdered in my sleep!! I think the staff thought I was paranoid and delusional. They never witnessed the behaviour I described.  They simply said “she’s harmless, she’s never hurt anyone.” Ummmmm that’s not helping me very much.  You could have at least tried to seem concerned.

This kept happening so I would always lower my eyes to the floor so I wouldn’t be making eye contact with her when she started to rant.  I didn’t want her to think I was confronting her.  I would always turn and move in a different direction.  This was very scary for me because I honestly believed she would attack me if she had the chance.

Then one day the same woman, Miss P, came right up to me with a big warm smile on her face apologizing to me for threatening me.  She said she has a daughter who looks like me and has a cane like me.  At the time she was threatening me she believed that I was her daughter and she thought I was there trying to break her out of the “prison” (the psychiatric ward).  She said those things to me because she was trying to scare me (her daughter) away so she wouldn’t  get in trouble for trying to break her mother out of the hospital. She apologized profusely every time she saw me and then we would just laugh! Wow, what a turn of events.

The icing on the cake.  Miss P came to me and said her daughter was there and I had to meet her.  I met her son and daughter and we both basically said “she is real!!”. Like the Christmas M&M’s commercial when the see Santa Clause and realized he is real. Up until then, neither one of us knew if the other existed.  We were about the same height, same age, both had similar hair and both had canes!  We laughed so hard as Miss P said “I told you so” and she was beaming.

Miss P had so much respect from the staff and patients.  She would give me extra desserts and juice.  She would offer to let me go to the front of the line for food.  We built a nice friendship and we had some wonderful conversations.  I was even able to de-escalte a situation between her and the staff which stopped them from calling security on her and forcibly giving her an injection. Even though I was unwell I was easily able to recall my training. She was a mother figure to me during my stay.  Warm, loving, caring and funny.  Just imagine how the relationship began.

Inside of every person with mental illness there is a person in there. They are a person first.  I always make sure I remember that.  That’s why I’ve had so much success working in mental health.  I believe they are the same as me.  Not because my mental illness, but because we are all human.

Peace Love and Understanding,

Maïsha