Next Chapter

Last year I kept saying to myself that the first chapter in my life has ended and the next one is beginning. That the pain and trauma I suffered in the past would no longer have such a strong hold over my life. It turns out that I was completely right!

I finally love myself. That’s a large part of why this new chapter of my life is so different from the last. I remember 20 years ago I acknowledged that I didn’t love myself and I was going to do whatever I needed to do, to change that. It took 20 years!! But I achieved my goal. 11 years of therapy later I’m doing so well. Even with the therapy, I never dreamed I would have seen the level of healing that I have received even if I had had a lifetime of therapy.

In the Summer of 2017 God healed my heart in a very profound way. I don’t know how to explain it other than to say that. He also answered some very important questions I had.

I always asked God why I’d had certain experiences. Why I had to go through certain things. Childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, mental illness and a physical disability. I would ask God, usually out of frustration, why I had to go through all of these things. God revealed many things about that to me that summer. There was so much that I can’t list everything here.. but I will mention some. He told me that the reason that I had to go through those things, is so that I can achieve my purpose. All of those experiences gave me the level of compassion that I need to help and serve God’s people. In me God has planted a seed.. a burning desire in me to help people and this compassion is crucial to my destiny. Those experiences have led me to develop a level of patience and a desire to understand people so that I can help them. I’m really able to relate to people. Even if they haven’t experienced the same kind of pain as me, I can really relate to them. I also believe He also told me I will really be a voice for people who have been through the same things as I have.

In the past I was so closed down and never spoke to anyone about my pain or experiences. I even closed myself off from facing them. Over those 20 years, after I acknowledged that I didn’t love myself, I journaled a lot, wrote poetry and learned to talk about my pain. I learned how to connect with the pain and articulate it. I had a safe place to discuss it with my therapist. Now I feel completely comfortable talking about my life when I do public speaking and it has been transformative for many.

Because I’ve been comfortable talking about it and sharing poetry with people, some people in my life have disclosed to me that they’ve had similar experiences. Some of them had never disclosed it to a single soul. In telling me there was this sense of peace. Like they no longer had to carry this heavy load alone. If I hadn’t done my own healing work, maybe they would have never had that kind of peace.

So, would I want to go through it again? No. But at the same time I wouldn’t change it. All of my experiences, positive and negative, have made me into the compassionate, passionate woman that I am. I feel so driven to help people and I’m finally understanding how my pain and trauma is going to help me do that.

Have a lovely week.

Many blessings,

Mai

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No Longer a Stranger to Myself

Well it’s been rough in some ways for the last year. Struggling with anxiety and depression without realizing that’s what it was. I just kept referring to it as “burnout”.. work related stress that I felt I had no control over. This episode was different than the others.

Went on a new medication that worked wonders! That, and I had some people praying for me. I finally recognize myself again! I’d become a stranger to myself. I was negative, had no hope, drained, exhausted, numb. I had a lot of emotional pain but was unable to cry. Even simple tasks took a Herculean effort to complete. I had a significant decrease in my level of focus and concentration. I was just overwhelmed by life.

Thank God I’ve made it to the other side. Everything is temporary. Now I have so much hope! My connection with God is much stronger. I can hear him again. I’m back on my path. I know this, because there is so much synchronicity taking place in my life. I have a burning desire for my life’s purpose. I have renewed confidence, clarity and this sense of peace that I’ve never felt before.. Peace and joy. I am so grateful for my life and everything that God has allowed me to do. I am so incredibly blessed and highly favoured. I’m understanding this on a much deeper level now.

Each day I wake up excited to see what will unfold.. what wisdom I will receive.

Have a wonderful week!

Many Blessings,

Mai

How this Easter has a deeper meaning

This Easter has a much deeper meaning for me this year. I have a much deeper relationship with Jesus now. This is the first time God has been THE central part of my life. After really accepting Him in my life, submitting my heart to Him, making a consistent commitment to talk with and praying to Him daily, read His word, not making any decisions without Him, my life has changed dramatically.

I had trauma issues and PTSD and God completely healed my heart and my mind. No more nightmares, depression, flashbacks or intrusive thoughts/memories. No more anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, hurt, pain, torment, shame, guilt or self-blame. He cleared out all the junk that I had tried so long and hard to get rid of. What 11 years of therapy couldn’t do, God changed in an instant.. with one touch.

Now I feel like I’m living in the freedom that God intended for me. I have this joy in my heart that I never had before. I was happy at times, but never this joy. He has given me some phenomenal experiences and an amazing relationship. He has set up some wonderful opportunities for me this year and I am so grateful, humbled and excited.

So on this days when I really think about the way Jesus suffered so that I could be free!! I just think, he died for me, so I’m choosing to live for Him! Praise God.

He is risen.

Mai

Self-Love

What an amazing place to be! To walk through life filled with self-love is a phenomenal and awesome place to be. 

I’ve struggled with self-hate for almost 30 years. Almost 30 years with this horrible and sometimes nasty negative voice inside my head criticizing everything I do.. everything that I am. Telling me why I would never and could never accomplish the things I wanted to achieve. I tried to be good at things so I would like myself (track, music, art, university, being a good friend)but I hated myself even more. 

The self hate stemmed from having been a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I internalized things my abuser had told  me. I didn’t remember the things he told me to make me believe it was my fault.. until recently. His words became my own words in my head. Tremendous guilt, shame and self-hate because I believed it was my fault. It’s like I had been given poison by my abusers. Even though they were no longer in my life, I continued to drink the poison. Filled with toxic, painful and destructive thoughts/feelings. I felt like my soul was tormented. 

After years of work and a decade of therapy I truly love myself! It feels so much lighter navigating through life without carrying 200 extra lbs of emotional baggage. I’m free from the persistent and nagging negative thoughts that used to cling to me like an unwanted intruder. 

Thoughts are incredibly powerful and just because you have a thought in your head about yourself, does not necessarily make it true! Be aware of your thoughts because they affect how you experience life. 

I made the decision 20 years ago that I would make pursuing self-love my mission.. my passion. A very long time but well worth it! I feel like the first chapter of my life has closed and now the new chapter has begun. I’m so excited to see what life has in store for me.  

If you’re in a place where you don’t love yourself. Acknowledge it. Fight to change it. You truly are worth it. You’re worth fighting for. It will change your life!

Peace Love & Dreams Actualized

Maïsha