Last year I kept saying to myself that the first chapter in my life has ended and the next one is beginning. That the pain and trauma I suffered in the past would no longer have such a strong hold over my life. It turns out that I was completely right!
I finally love myself. That’s a large part of why this new chapter of my life is so different from the last. I remember 20 years ago I acknowledged that I didn’t love myself and I was going to do whatever I needed to do, to change that. It took 20 years!! But I achieved my goal. 11 years of therapy later I’m doing so well. Even with the therapy, I never dreamed I would have seen the level of healing that I have received even if I had had a lifetime of therapy.
In the Summer of 2017 God healed my heart in a very profound way. I don’t know how to explain it other than to say that. He also answered some very important questions I had.
I always asked God why I’d had certain experiences. Why I had to go through certain things. Childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, mental illness and a physical disability. I would ask God, usually out of frustration, why I had to go through all of these things. God revealed many things about that to me that summer. There was so much that I can’t list everything here.. but I will mention some. He told me that the reason that I had to go through those things, is so that I can achieve my purpose. All of those experiences gave me the level of compassion that I need to help and serve God’s people. In me God has planted a seed.. a burning desire in me to help people and this compassion is crucial to my destiny. Those experiences have led me to develop a level of patience and a desire to understand people so that I can help them. I’m really able to relate to people. Even if they haven’t experienced the same kind of pain as me, I can really relate to them. I also believe He also told me I will really be a voice for people who have been through the same things as I have.
In the past I was so closed down and never spoke to anyone about my pain or experiences. I even closed myself off from facing them. Over those 20 years, after I acknowledged that I didn’t love myself, I journaled a lot, wrote poetry and learned to talk about my pain. I learned how to connect with the pain and articulate it. I had a safe place to discuss it with my therapist. Now I feel completely comfortable talking about my life when I do public speaking and it has been transformative for many.
Because I’ve been comfortable talking about it and sharing poetry with people, some people in my life have disclosed to me that they’ve had similar experiences. Some of them had never disclosed it to a single soul. In telling me there was this sense of peace. Like they no longer had to carry this heavy load alone. If I hadn’t done my own healing work, maybe they would have never had that kind of peace.
So, would I want to go through it again? No. But at the same time I wouldn’t change it. All of my experiences, positive and negative, have made me into the compassionate, passionate woman that I am. I feel so driven to help people and I’m finally understanding how my pain and trauma is going to help me do that.
Have a lovely week.